The Ego in Relationship II
You approached your relationship not with the intent of sharing love but with the intent to win affection and avoid loneliness. With the fear of being alone, you approached her for a relationship. In relationship with her, you will keep dancing on the edge of loneliness, “What if she leaves me?” So you keep doing things and present yourself a certain way so that you can avoid loneliness. You are not being authentic. Whatever you do to avoid loneliness becomes a link that holds the potential to that loneliness you are avoiding. It is a counterproductive way to love. Sensitivity to loss and rejection results in dependency on another person who “completes” you. You complain about not being very close with her and the next minute you worry about the thought of being too close with her. You formed a relationship to battle the turmoil going on inside you. You have not resolved the turmoil. Actually, you want the relationship to do that but it cannot. The relationship has become a distraction. It is a means of escape. When the high of the early stage of the relationship wears off, the turmoil inside you alerts you of its presence. Then you unconsciously blame your partner for not getting rid of your fear. You quarrel and fight. The inner conflict manifests in your external world – as it is within, so it is without.
You did not start out to share love but to steal it. You did not fall in love, you fell in need. The whole drama in your relationship is about you attempting to fill a void with a person. The earlier you realize that person cannot fill that void, the better. How can your peace totally depend on what someone does or does not do? You wanted your partner to show you love by doing something. She did not do it. You got angry and you blame her for getting you angry. You are angry because she did not pretend to want to do what you wanted her to do. Had she pretended, you would be happy. She would have been inauthentic and deceived you, and you would have felt happy. A superficial problem is covering your fear. By not resolving that fear, you compound your sensitivity.
Marriage is a wonderful institution but marriage is being used by many to fulfill the needs of ego. You want to commit, you want to present a ring to her. You like how she makes you feel about yourself. You want to feel more of that and you desire her. You are hooked. You are addicted to a person. You do not realize that and both of you go into marriage. The reason you went into marriage with her is how she makes you feel. That reason will take over your marriage and if you are not careful, that reason will cause your separation. Your ego wants this so that you can feel happy. Her ego wants that so that she can feel secured. The marriage increasingly becomes your ego’s agenda versus hers. Conflict again and again. Mentally you live somewhere and mentally she lives somewhere else. Both of you have not just taken positions, both of you are actively defending your positions at war with each other. So both of you wait for the other’s trigger so as to make a move. At this stage, many couples will agree that the love is gone. No, love is not gone. Love is trapped.
Your ego creates problems. It wants love to solve its problems while it goes on creating new ones. You cannot control people. Stop trying to control her life – her interests, opinions, behaviour, even how she loves you. Let go of that script in your head telling you how she ought to love you. You may then realize that she has been trying to share love with you in ways you have never acknowledged.