A man was having an issue in his relationship. He was having a problem “molding” the woman he was having a relationship with into what he wanted her to become. While I was listening to him speak, I discerned that his thought was that he knew what was best for the woman. So, when the woman does not cooperate with his agenda, he gets frustrated. I sensed so much ego in this man. He did not see that he has made himself the God of the woman. He manipulates her and he did not see his own manipulation. He was desperately trying to get happiness from the woman and consequently living with the fear of losing the woman. His ego will feel diminished if he loses the woman, hence, the ego employs manipulative tactics to prevent the woman from leaving.
But this man did not his ego in action which was also a contributing factor to the strain in the relationship. How could he see that which he has identified with? There was no awareness that could see the actions of his ego. In essence, he became one with his ego.
To dissolve the ego you have to disidentify with the ego. To disidentify with the ego, you have to identify it, see it. To see the ego, you have to be Present. It is in your Presence that space is created around the ego. That space will enable you to see the ego and its mechanisms. Here you are unaffected by the situation and there is your ego almost constantly threatened by the situation. As long as the ego possesses you, and you take yourself to be the ego, it will be difficult if not impossible to dissolve it. When you are ego-possessed, you will constantly pamper, protect, and defend the ego. To see the ego, you have to be honest to yourself. This honesty will be brutal to the ego.
The ego is rooted in lack so it is always acting with fear in the background. It is never driven by pure love but turns almost everything into a means to an end. You are helping the girl with her school fees so that she can end up being your wife. You do not see the self-enhancement going on as well as the possession. Can you step back and observe the ego?
“If the ego is negative, can’t I change it into a positive one?” No. The ego can pretend to be positive but only for a while. Anyone who is present can see through its pretense. The ego is always acting from a state of fear so it cannot be truly positive. To be free from the ego, dissolve the ego. Dissolve the ego and your Being will take the front seat that is due to it. This process will take a while. You have lived under the control of the ego for decades. Dissolving such that its control tends to zero will not be instant. Inside you will be a battle, mind versus Being. As your Being tries to come forward, your ego feeling threatened will fight and it will fight hard. You are likely to experience “withdrawal symptoms.” However, the more Present you are, the more dissolution there will be.
In the process of dissolving the ego, some things can occasionally trigger the ego such that it emerges with intensity. After a few of such episodes, you may wonder if you will ever be free of the ego. But that which sees the ego is not the ego. Formerly, you could hardly see the ego after it has taken possession of you, now you frequently see it even after it has gotten over you. That is your Being coming forward. If you continue being Present, the ego will find it more difficult to overcome you. Remember that you cannot be free of the ego in the past or future, you can only be free of the ego Now. It is only in the Now that you can be Present and see the ego. So, you can only dissolve the ego in the present moment. Do not let the ego use time against you. In trying to dissolve the ego, the ego can come through the back door using time, making you wonder if you can be free of it tomorrow if you succeed today. All you ever have is Now and if the ego arises, you can only dissolve it Now. As far as the dissolution of ego is concerned, leave tomorrow alone.
When the ego is being dissolved, the ego can project doom. That is an attempt to pull you back into identifying with it. The ego wants to survive at all cost and for it to survive, it needs to pull you in.
Becoming aware of the ego spells death for the ego. You see the ego for what it is and see through most of its gimmicks. Awareness involves an honest observation which will free you from the grip of the ego.
One may want to fight the ego in order to dissolve it. By trying to fight or suppress the ego, you fuel it indirectly. That which wants victory over the ego through a fight is the ego. Ego never solves a problem because ego is the problem.
Because your ego has developed a strong force over the years, dissolving it may not be an easy journey. But it will most likely happen that your ego at a point will hit a threshold of imbalance and will create suffering. The purpose of this suffering is to bring you out of your ego. But when you are in resistance even when you suffer, your ego is strengthened.
In your journey to dissolve your ego, you may go through a period of feeling dysfunctional. This is because you feel that you are in a no man’s land between your Being and your ego. Whereas the ego was always trying to be certain, now what you have is uncertainty which you may fear. You may wish to avoid this journey but when you come through it, your Being will shine through and someone may say you are a “different person.” Of course it is still you only that the ego that was pretending to be you is no longer there. Your Being comes to the forefront. At a point when the ego comes, it will feel suffocating. This will help you let go of the ego more easily.