You approached your relationship not with the
intent of sharing love but with the intent to win affection and avoid loneliness.Â With the fear of being alone, you approached
her for a relationship. In relationship with her, you will keep dancing on the edge
of loneliness, â€śWhat if she leaves me?â€ť So you keep doing things and present
yourself a certain way so that you can avoid loneliness. You are not being
authentic. Whatever you do to avoid loneliness becomes a link that holds the
potential to that loneliness you are avoiding. It is a counterproductive way to
love. Sensitivity to loss and rejection results in dependency on another person
who â€ścompletesâ€ť you. You complain about not being very close with her and the
next minute you worry about the thought of being too close with her. You formed
a relationship to battle the turmoil going on inside you. You have not resolved
the turmoil. Actually, you want the relationship to do that but it cannot. The
relationship has become a distraction. It is a means of escape. When the high
of the early stage of the relationship wears off, the turmoil inside you alerts
you of its presence. Then you unconsciously blame your partner for not getting
rid of your fear. You quarrel and fight. The inner conflict manifests in your external
world â€“ as it is within, so it is without.
You did not start out to share love but to
steal it. You did not fall in love, you fell in need. The whole drama in your
relationship is about you attempting to fill a void with a person. The earlier
you realize that person cannot fill that void, the better. How can your peace
totally depend on what someone does or does not do? You wanted your partner to
show you love by doing something. She did not do it. You got angry and you
blame her for getting you angry. You are angry because she did not pretend to
want to do what you wanted her to do. Had she pretended, you would be happy.
She would have been inauthentic and deceived you, and you would have felt
happy. A superficial problem is covering your fear. By not resolving that fear,
you compound your sensitivity.
Marriage is a wonderful institution but
marriage is being used by many to fulfill the needs of ego. You want to commit,
you want to present a ring to her. You like how she makes you feel about
yourself. You want to feel more of that and you desire her. You are hooked. You
are addicted to a person. You do not realize that and both of you go into
marriage. The reason you went into marriage with her is how she makes you feel.
That reason will take over your marriage and if you are not careful, that
reason will cause your separation. Your ego wants this so that you can feel
happy. Her ego wants that so that she can feel secured. The marriage
increasingly becomes your egoâ€™s agenda versus hers. Conflict again and again.
Mentally you live somewhere and mentally she lives somewhere else. Both of you
have not just taken positions, both of you are actively defending your
positions at war with each other. So both of you wait for the otherâ€™s trigger
so as to make a move. At this stage, many couples will agree that the love is
gone. No, love is not gone. Love is trapped.
Your ego creates problems. It wants love to
solve its problems while it goes on creating new ones. You cannot control
people. Stop trying to control her life â€“ her interests, opinions, behaviour,
even how she loves you. Let go of that script in your head telling you how she
ought to love you. You may then realize that she has been trying to share love
with you in ways you have never acknowledged.