You have fear, the fear of being alone. Your
â€śalonenessâ€ť makes you feel a sense of lack. So you want to hook-up; you want to
have a partner. A partner that will be with you in a relationship, an intimate
relationship. And you meet the person. The person makes you feel special and
happy. There are butterflies in your stomach. You fall in love. You feel alive
because someone wants and needs you just as you want and need the person. You
feel that the part of you you felt was missing has appeared in your life. The
relationship is everything and everything else seems insignificant. The fact
that something outside of you has become the centre of your life does not seem
to matter to you. But there is something you are not aware of because you are
unconscious: you are having an addiction.
You are addicted to the other person. No. You
are actually addicted to the image you have of the other person. What you call
â€śfalling in loveâ€ť is really an intensification of egoic wanting and needing.
This is not true love. True love has nothing to do with wanting. Think of
losing your partner. This creates the fear of loss in you which can manifest as
jealousy, possessiveness, control, emotional blackmail. And if your partner
does leave you, you find yourself in an intense grief. You get â€ślow.â€ť But you
feel low because you have been high. Your addiction to the image you had of
your partner acted on you like a drug. Your addiction came about because you
unconsciously refused to move through your own pain. So you used a person to cover
your pain. In other forms of addiction, substance can be used to cover up pain
â€“ drug, alcohol, food. Whether the addiction has to do with substance or
someone, it starts with pain and ends with pain.
When the relationship ends you feel pain. The
end of the relationship is however not the cause of the pain but you do not
know this. The end of the relationship brought out the pain that has been in
you. And you feel it intensely. â€śYou broke my heart,â€ť you tell the person. But
no, your heart was not broken. Your expectation was broken. You can say that
the end of the relationship got you closer to your heart. And you felt the pain
that has been there all along, covered up by the relationship but there. Every
addiction gets to a point where it no longer works for the addict. The addict
feels the pain more intensely then.