One who is dominated by the ego would find
himself constantly accompanied by deep-seated feelings. It could be a feeling
of discontent. If one were to be at one with oneâ€™s true self, then one would no
longer be dominated by the ego and one would transcend oneâ€™s self.
But as often is the case, the person with the
feeling of unhappiness instead of accepting the feeling resists it. He feels
unhappy and now he has added resistance to the unhappiness. The result is
suffering. He does not know why he suffers but he is hell-bent on escaping the
suffering. Escapism ensues which is usually in the form of an addiction. As
often as is the case, a human being becomes the object of addiction and we
usually call this a relationship.
He feels unhappy so he says to himself, â€śI
need someone in order to be happy,â€ť or, â€śI donâ€™t want to be alone.â€ť So he looks
for someone to go into a relationship with and he finds her. The odds are good
that the person he finds was also looking for someone to escape her loneliness.
They become codependent on each other but the say they are in love. Both of
them are using each other to avoid the fear they have inside. As they
constantly avoid accepting that fear, they block themselves from experiencing
the fear and then transcending it. They are stuck but they are not aware they
Addiction, attraction, eroticism, control,
then add possessiveness to it â€“ this combination produces an intense emotionalism
which we often call love. But that which we often call love is an ingrown
dependency relationship where another person serves as the object of oneâ€™s need
for security. This results to an unhealthy attachment to the passion felt at
the beginning of the relationship. Shortly after the excitement subsides, you
see no reason to continue the relationship. If you have a history of short
romantic relationships, falling in and out of love many times, this may be your
case. You were looking for a fantasy and you went into a relationship. The
relationship did not meet the expectation of your fantasy so you abandoned it
and went on to the next. You repeat the cycle again and again. No person or
thing can permanently cover up the pain inside you. No relationship can meet
the expectation of your fantasy. The pain is the universal feeling of not being
connected with the deeper level of your being â€“ not being at one with yourself.
When we go into relationships, we often enter
with memories of past relationships and expectations. We also enter with
personally and culturally conditioned mental concepts of what a relationship
should be like. So on the one hand, you have mental concepts of what your
relationship should be like, on the other hand, you have your relationship. You
are now trying to make your relationship conform to your mental concepts. You
become controlling. You are trying to control reality but you cannot so you get
disappointed and angry. You dwell in resistance, you suffer. If you want to
truly love, you have to let go of those concepts and ideas.
Try this exercise, the next time you see your
partner, let go of the mental ideas and beliefs you have about her. In the
moment that you are with her, be with her fully. How can you be fully with her?
By giving her your full attention. Relate with her in that moment without
judgment. Be empty, be there, be the space, and relate. This exercise may be
the beginning of a shift in your relationship.