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Relationship Addiction

One who is dominated by the ego would find himself constantly accompanied by deep-seated feelings. It could be a feeling of discontent. If one were to be at one with one’s true self, then one would no longer be dominated by the ego and one would transcend one’s self.

But as often is the case, the person with the feeling of unhappiness instead of accepting the feeling resists it. He feels unhappy and now he has added resistance to the unhappiness. The result is suffering. He does not know why he suffers but he is hell-bent on escaping the suffering. Escapism ensues which is usually in the form of an addiction. As often as is the case, a human being becomes the object of addiction and we usually call this a relationship.

He feels unhappy so he says to himself, “I need someone in order to be happy,” or, “I don’t want to be alone.” So he looks for someone to go into a relationship with and he finds her. The odds are good that the person he finds was also looking for someone to escape her loneliness. They become codependent on each other but the say they are in love. Both of them are using each other to avoid the fear they have inside. As they constantly avoid accepting that fear, they block themselves from experiencing the fear and then transcending it. They are stuck but they are not aware they are.

Addiction, attraction, eroticism, control, then add possessiveness to it – this combination produces an intense emotionalism which we often call love. But that which we often call love is an ingrown dependency relationship where another person serves as the object of one’s need for security. This results to an unhealthy attachment to the passion felt at the beginning of the relationship. Shortly after the excitement subsides, you see no reason to continue the relationship. If you have a history of short romantic relationships, falling in and out of love many times, this may be your case. You were looking for a fantasy and you went into a relationship. The relationship did not meet the expectation of your fantasy so you abandoned it and went on to the next. You repeat the cycle again and again. No person or thing can permanently cover up the pain inside you. No relationship can meet the expectation of your fantasy. The pain is the universal feeling of not being connected with the deeper level of your being – not being at one with yourself.

When we go into relationships, we often enter with memories of past relationships and expectations. We also enter with personally and culturally conditioned mental concepts of what a relationship should be like. So on the one hand, you have mental concepts of what your relationship should be like, on the other hand, you have your relationship. You are now trying to make your relationship conform to your mental concepts. You become controlling. You are trying to control reality but you cannot so you get disappointed and angry. You dwell in resistance, you suffer. If you want to truly love, you have to let go of those concepts and ideas.

Try this exercise, the next time you see your partner, let go of the mental ideas and beliefs you have about her. In the moment that you are with her, be with her fully. How can you be fully with her? By giving her your full attention. Relate with her in that moment without judgment. Be empty, be there, be the space, and relate. This exercise may be the beginning of a shift in your relationship.

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