Addictive relationships are always are always
driven by the ego. You are â€śin loveâ€ť with your partner but on the opposite side,
your hate manifests as possessiveness, blame, anger, fear of loss,
manipulation, need to be right. That type of relationship does not convey the
true meaning of love. It is an unconscious relationship which stems from your
attachment to the person. You are trying to find fulfillment through your
partner, hence, instead of realizing your individual completeness, you think
you are incomplete without the other.
A conscious relationship is not like an
addictive one. The love comes from someone who is at peace with himself and is
not trying to find salvation in another person. Issues may arise in a conscious
relationship but partners do not lose themselves in the issue. In order to
enter a conscious relationship or transform your addictive relationship to a
conscious one, knowing the following can be helpful:
Love is a state of being: You have been searching for love. That
is because you think love is outside of you and when you get it, you will be
fulfilled. But love is not outside of you. It is not dependent on an external
object or person. Love is not a thought or a feeling. Then what is love? Love
is an aspect of the true nature of your being. Love is already present in you.
But because your ego dominates you, you do not seem to be connected to the love
in you. When your ego (false self) dissolves, what is left is who you are. When
you are at home in yourself, being who you really are, your true nature
manifests. In that state, you experience the love that you already have. Your
love does not start with another person. It starts with you and shines through
Be present: Conflicts intensify in relationships because we hardly
live in the present moment. When you lose yourself in a fight, you are
definitely not present. If you are present in the Now, you cannot lose yourself
in a fight. You feel the need to attack and criticize your partner because your
thoughts have taken over you. When you feel the need to attack, anchor yourself
in the present moment by focusing on your breath â€“ breathe in and breathe out,
and be aware you are doing that. This would stop you from giving power to your
thoughts and avoid a situation where you ask, â€śWhat came over me?â€ť
you fear being present because it will lead you to your pain. But your presence
has power and with that power it is able to dissolve or transmute your pain.
True communication is communion: Where is the relationship without
communication? If you and your partner are not really communicating then you do
not have a relationship but an illusion of one. When you communicate, put aside
your mind games and emotional tricks. Your communication should be to commune
not to win.
Relationship does not offer salvation: When you seek salvation or
fulfillment from a relationship, you are likely to suffocate the relationship
by being manipulative because of the fear of your partner leaving you. Your
being is already complete and so no thing or person can complete you.
Being at one with your Being is fulfillment.
It is therefore not when you have a relationship that you will be fulfilled. It
is when you are fulfilled that you will have a true relationship.